I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
