textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
