I can't watch pbs sober anymore
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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