I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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