I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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