You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
