I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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