You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
