glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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