how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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