Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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