Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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