She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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