Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
