I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
BRING THE BAGELS
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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