I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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