Moan for me like Helen Keller
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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