Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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