I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
