So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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