Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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