The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
