Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
