WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
