Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
