hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
