you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
