what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize