I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
