moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
