that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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