i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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