I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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