On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
