she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
please come you make the beer taste better
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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