She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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