I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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