someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
