he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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