I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
