I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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