nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
