i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
