Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
