i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm always down for nudity.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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