I wish I could punch you in the face.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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