so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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