I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
