They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
