Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
