Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
