Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
