I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
