: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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