The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
