A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
