I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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