Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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