Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
